I am a perpetual optimist.
You call it ugly. I say it has potential. You say it’s hopeless. I say it’s a work in progress. You say its a horrible day. I say its a chance to find something new to try.
This is just who I am.
Or rather I should say, this is who I always thought myself to be. Then life started to hit me hard with the unexpected. I was faced with decisions I didn’t predict, hurt I hadn’t planned for (not that anyone ever actually plans for that), and loads of unwanted stress.
In short, life happened.
And I wasn’t prepared for it. I kept telling myself that it would all work out. If I just kept pushing a little longer or tried just a little harder, everything would sort itself out and I would have “arrived”. I would be at a place or be the person that I envisioned as “good” and “accomplished” and “at peace”.
And when it didn’t work, when I kept trying and had little to show for it, I began to think that being an optimist was dumb. Maybe it was some unrealistic, childish fantasy I needed to let go of and become a grown-up realist. But that didn’t sit well with me either. I’ve met those people and they are not usually the type of people you wanna hang with. I didn’t want to be “those” people.
So what was I going to do?
I slowly began to realize that a lot of the problem was my expectations. Without even realizing it, we all develop beliefs systems, and unspoken expectations that govern how we see the world. We are shaped by relationships, our environment, our DNA, and the culture. Somewhere along the way, my set of influences had shaped this idea that I would “arrive”. I would become an adult, have it figured out, know where I’m going, and be an awesome person. I thought, if I went through enough “ugly”, I would someday emerge as the “beautiful swan”.
And its no wonder I thought that. That’s what the culture tells me to believe! But the older I am getting, the more I am realizing that no one ever reaches that point. You never “arrive” and become suddenly equipped to handle every obstacle seamlessly and with emotional clarity. Its what we all long for though and that’s why we love happy endings! But all the happy endings in every movie and fairy tale in existence, lies. They don’t show us that Cinderella can’t get used to sleeping somewhere soft and she hates how messy Prince Charming is. They don’t show us that the Emperor who wore no clothes died of shame the next day. Beauty and the Beast still argued and if you followed Merida’s story a little longer, she would probably struggle with loneliness and longing to be held.
And the problem is not that we long for these things. We were hardwired to want these. Our problem (my problem) is that we expect we can accomplish all these virtues and goals perfectly in our lifetime.
You can’t. I couldn’t.
And that’s when I got depressed. It’s when I began to think optimism was for the birds and I was tempted more than ever to quit. Everything.
But with a little more time (and a lot of counsel and prayer), I began to see that succumbing to the reality of this truth didn’t have to steal my joy and optimism. I just needed to “un-learn” the idea that I could achieve it and never struggle with it again. Life on this earth is by definition a constant struggle: a struggle to breath, a struggle to find joy, a struggle to make ends meet, a struggle to be content, a struggle to find love and stay in love. The list could go on and on.
But the reality that it’s a struggle doesn’t have to make us depressed realists. It can prepare our hearts and minds for the inevitable journey of the unexpected. It’s easier to work hard to love your spouse when you stop expecting them to be perfect. It’s easier to have patience and grace when you stop expecting yourself to become perfect. It’s easier to be content when you realize that you’re not the only one fighting to make it work. And it’s easier to love every other person on the planet when you realize that no one is exempt from brokenness and suffering.
That is predominantly what this blog is about. It’s about the reality that every single one of us is always learning and never “arriving” at perfection. We are never too old or to accomplished to learn something new. And just because someone in your sphere of influence makes you feel like you should “know it already” or “have figured it out by now,” does not mean that you are failing. I say, “Shame on those who belittle you for being like everyone else–a learner.” Be kind to yourself and open-handed about what life wants to teach you.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Lesson unlearned.
A Lesson Unlearned 